Relationships are huge opportunities for growth and connection. Once you’ve looked at them through the four lenses below, you appreciate better the quality of relationships you share with the different kinds of your friends basis which tier their friendship might fall into.
Friendships that pass through all the 4 lenses are priceless. And few. And if you’re lucky to have one such, you know you’ve found one for keeps.
Take a look at your friendships and you’ll notice that in any given moment, your relationship will likely embody these four nutrients on some level.
1. Resonance
The level of connectedness you share with their interests, values and directions.
Some questions to help determine resonance with your friendships:
• Do you look forward to hanging out with them? What activities?
• Do you feel better having them in your life? Why? Why not?
• Do you genuinely like them as a person? Or does your relationship feel transactional?
• Do conversations and experiences just flow easier with them compared to other people?
• Do you just vibe well together? Do you have fun?
2. Reciprocity
The level of mutual curiosity and communication flow.
• Are you the one always reaching out to them? Does your friendship feel one-sided?
• Do they ask you questions, too? Are they curious about your life?
• Does the conversation ebb and flow between you sharing and them sharing?
• Do you ask them to hang out and you get crickets each time?
• Do you support them as much as they support you?
3. Consistency
The frequency of connection in whatever way that feels good to the both of you.
• How often do you communicate and/or hang out together? Does it feel good to you and if not, have you told them?
• Does your connection feel solid (or at least moving in that direction)?
• Do they stick around during difficult conversations? Or do they brush any conflict under the rug and retreat for a
period of time with no warning
• Does the quality of your interactions feel good to you? Is it too deep? Too superficial?
4. Intimacy
The level of depth and knowledge of all parts of each other, not just the positive traits.
• Do you only know things about them that could already be figured out from their Facebook or Instagram profile?
• Do you feel comfortable sharing vulnerable parts of you without fear of being shamed or judged?
• Do you talk about things in your personal life or just external topics?
• Have you ever cried, gotten angry or shown emotion with them?
The 4 Tiers of Friendship...
1st Tier
Your closest friends. Your inner circle.
• They know the real you, warts and all. You feel comfortable sharing anything with them and vice versa.
• You feel relaxed being around them and you feel recharged after hanging around them.
• Most people can maintain a max of 10 people in this Tier.
• High level of Resonance + Reciprocity + Consistency + Intimacy.
• They will free up their time to see or talk to you.
2nd Tier
Your bigger group of friends.
• You genuinely like them and have warm/positive feelings toward them, but there simply isn’t a resonance
or desire to go deeper or see/talk to them more often.
• You might both always say “We should get together sometime!” but nothing happens.
• You may have had some occasional dropped-in conversations with them but nothing much happens beyond
that. They often will see or talk to you only in their free time.
• At least one of the nutrients is low or missing (Resonance + Reciprocity + Consistency + Intimacy).
3rd Tier
Acquaintances. People you know and interact with in person but just haven’t gone beyond a few minutes of conversation with them each time you see them.
• They might be people at work, church, softball team.
• You’ll likely have a high level of Resonance but not much else.
4th Tier
People you know of, but don’t know personally. You often don’t have an opinion of them either way because you haven’t had any direct communication with or experience of them.
• The majority of the people on your Facebook and Instagram.
...No one tier is better or worse than the other. The tiers are just ways of objectively looking at your relationships and seeing perhaps why some friendships feel solid and fulfilling and others feel turbulent and unsatisfying.
This is not a reason to start keeping a checklist or spreadsheet on all your friends, but rather a chance to gain some perspective on why some friendships feel better than others.
