Shades of Gray

I'm surprised...mad at times too...at myself for having let go of all that meant so much to me in the pursuit of that which I didn't have...perhap's never could have...and yet hoped I would. What was I thinking, I repeatedly ask of myself. I draw a blank. I smile.

And before I proceed any further, I'm not specifically talking 'relationships' here, though the text does apply; I'm talking (about) effort of being different things to different people to accomodate them into your life. Onward then...

The wheel has now come a full circle and I am back to where I began...not really knowing where I wanted to head in the very first place! I'm wiser though for now knowing why they say,'choose your battles, your friends and relationships with care'.

What surprises me this time, however, is that I'm not frustrated at the attempts made, just plain amused. Bemused by my ability to stay convinced in hope and, amused in the bargain at this late realisation: that the irony of hope lies in its being a double edged (s)word, providing as much solace as anxiety, as much faith as doubt, as much courage as fear.

There is so much disassociation between what the eyes see and what the mind envisions.The final thought is just a matter of interpretation, based on choice...and coloured by experiences. Empowering as that thought is, it frays me at times to think that 'who' and 'what' I am at any given point in time simply boils down to just a matter of choice: the choice to live in hope or despair, to love or to hate, to trust or doubt, to hold-on or let-go...

It's funny, in an eerie sort of way, how as thinking individuals we are so adept at manipulating our thought processes to rationalise our choice of actions - it happens seamlessly the other way round too - with a view to stubbornly defend those excesses' of choice. Empowering, did I say...hell yeah, the word takes on a whole new meaning now!

The point is that we try too hard and then we try harder, only to realise in retrospect, that in doing so we've broken effectively no more than only the conviction that repeated trials of increasing intensity would ensure that all eluding success. Poker face...know when to let-go.

Life teaches you all the time and the only way to learn is to live - with it, in it, through it.

...'nuff said!

{To borrow a line from Sthupit Girl, a fellow blogger whose posts' I frequently follow:

"I had a million things to say in this post, but turns out that just the joy of being able to write again is blinding my senses, so I shall stop for now, and be back soon with more. Cuz, like it or not, I'm back baby." ;)}