Code of Conundrums...

If there ever was a letter I've recieved that made me uncannily feel as if I had ghost-written it, then this'd have to be it!

The questions posed herein, and the ensuing residue of harboured emotion, as a fall-out of a cold, 'coming-to-grips-with-the-situation' kind of rationale, almost instantly strike a chord with the reader, bringing to fore memories of a time(s) we've all periodically battled, lonely for the most part, in the course of our respective journeys through life this far...

It takes one, reading a letter like this, to realise that, much as they make for strange bed fellows, the pleasure of growth has to be accompanied by the discomfiture pain, and so the twain shalst remain till death do them apart!

My very own journey this far, has made me the wiser in having taught me this, that there is no one solution to unravel the dichotomy of this dual code. Each must, in his own way and on his own terms decipher and unravel it to make sense and give meaning to their own perception of the world they inhabit.

...And whilst at it, I am reminded of something I read a long time ago in an editorial and wish to share with you:

The very observation of a phenomena, changes the nature of it.
By our constant quest into the nature of ourselves and of the workings of this universe,we may be changing not only that which we seek to investigate, but also our very perceptions, which are the instruments of that investigation.

Perhaps, this is the final insoluble mystery of the Cosmos; that when we have come to the end of all our explorations of it, we will find that we have only begun with the odyssey of our own self-discovery.

Read on then...


Dear Trev,

Loss hits you suddenly without warning or indication that today you are going to wake up to it. You suddenly realize that your warm security blanket,taken for granted for ever so long,has been ripped away leaving your battered soul naked and shivering cold.

There is first a terrifying numbness and then it hits you...HARD. With the final acceptance comes despair beyond words. You wonder how the sun can shine, how the world can actually go on, how people can smile and laugh and talk while you wade through torrents of endless grief.

Sometimes, if only for a minute,you may forget it all and the clouds lift a little. You look up to feel the warmth and instead are hit by a cold realization that things will never been the same again. Things that once seemed so complex, so important, so necessary fade away into nothingness. All you want perhaps, is for time to turn-to take back hurtful words, to prolong savoured memories or merely to remember better.

I don’t think it ever stops hurting. Every person who enters your life creates a world in you...a world that you never knew existed till they came into your life. And then they leave!!!

But, somehow perhaps it’s better that it happens that way. It aches, horribly at first, but then if you could not know it, feel it...you would also not have the bitter-sweetness of tenacious memory.

…Going through those not infrequent bouts of melanchony at the moment…

You know, I’m tired of being me. Honestly, I am becoming a person I don’t like too much. Morose, withdrawn and weepy…happiness and laughter used to come so easily to me...and I am angry with myself for letting go of it. I stand in the crowd and watch joy dance across peoples faces...and I’m silently screaming with the sheer agony of emotional loneliness…

Why do people change...why did I have to change? How do you mourn the dying of a dream? A dream that dies just a little more every day? You look around trying to grasp battered hope, letting go of everything else and you are left with nothing but emptiness...

Your emotions evolve and change shape, undergoing as if a sort of retrogressive maturity. I wrap myself up in this little cocoon of self pity choosing to ignore the world outside and I realize what an absolute fool I am making of myself.

Unfortunately knowledge is not always a predecessor of wisdom. What makes is worse is the realization that I made my own bed...made wrong choices...now it’s a little too late. Yes I know that you’re thinking – I’m over reacting and being paranoid. Maybe I am! But I can't help it; feel like I have been thrust into this frighteningly large,complex adult world without having gained the maturity I need to deal with it.

Fear…real and imaginary…seeps into my soul as my life changes form before my very eyes.. Thank you for putting up with me and my eccentricity...I know it must be an awfully trying task.

Love,

...


I'll just say this, my dear friend, that the things you love, will eventually gather around you like a shawl against the winterliness of this world, protect you and warm you, ushering you into the spring time of your days. And this will be your key to unlock that puzzling code of life.

That's the story of life!